TRANSFORMERS

Directed by Michael Bay

God I hate Michael Bay. He's the purveyor of some of the shittiest, most expensive films ever made- following the excellent THE ROCK, he's made turd after inconceivable turd. And yet lo! He gets handed, by none other than Steven Spielberg, the coolest film franchise ever made: the venerable TRANSFORMERS.

But who am I to second guess Spielberg? Who am I to doubt his decision making skills, especially after ruining beautiful films like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE with sentimental endings that had no business being there in the first place? Who am I to do such things?

My personal apprehensions aside, Steven Spielberg knows what he's doing, and in the end, he is right- Michael Bay was the right man to bring a live action TRANSFORMERS to the big screen. Nobody knows how to blow things up better than Bay, and regarding the context of the base material- a set of plastic transforming toys- he doesn't have to flex his brain too hard.

If you're looking for emotional subtext, then seek out the original TRANSFORMERS:THE MOVIE. In that masterpiece we have psychoanalytic relationships, cold-blooded murder, the Junkions, Orson Welles' final performance, and of course, "The Touch." Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS contains none of theses things, but it sets out on a far different path and achieves its goals with marvelous results.

The story: Sam Witwicky is a typical geek with high hopes of getting popular (and laid) with the purchase of a new car. He ventures with his father to a used car dealer (a scene stealing Bernie Mac) and finds a mysterious, beaten-up Camaro that seems to have a life of its own. We can only guess what happens afterwards.

And that's about it. Not much to chew on, but that's not the purpose of this film. I often lament that there is a distinct lack of intelligence in today's films, but I have to remind myself that not every film aims to be THE SEVENTH SEAL or RASHOMON. Bay's TRANSFORMERS is a true popcorn action flick, and the nice thing is that while it lacks in depth, it never stoops so low to insult our intelligence. It is loud, sexy, and violent, and best of all features giant robots pummeling each other in crowded city streets. What more could you want?

Indeed, the film packs in all the best features of a great summer film- giant explosions, glossy production values, blatant product placement, well-crafted CGI, plucky humor and in-jokes, sexy girls, and it's loud as hell. Unlikely box-office hero Shia LaBeouf provides a strong and amiable lead performance as Sam Witwicky, and he carries the film on his young shoulders. Sam's love interest Mikaela Banes is played by Megan Fox, who, like all the women in Michael Bay's films, does an excellent (nay, Oscar worthy) job in looking smoking hot and being in perpetual heat.

But the real stars here are the robots, and while they are marvels of CGI and virtual engineering, I found them strangely lacking compared to the beloved toys and cartoons of my youth. Bay's robots look more like ultra-complex erector sets, with billions of exposed parts that makes them visually busy. It seems that the design of the robots evolves over the course of the film, as they become more like proper Transformers and less like Japanese assembly-line prototypes. The complex designs of the robots make some of the fight sequences overpopulated with details, and renders them as an incomprehensible pile of gears and pneumatic pumps. But I'm being overly picky here, as I'm far too close to the base designs, and I will always have the critical eye of a purist.

Credit goes to the fans however for insisting that Peter Cullen, the original voice of Optimus Prime, reprise his role as the leader of the Autobots. Cullen's deep baritone brought back an immeasurable level of authenticity to the film, this despite the many, many departures and liberties that the film takes. But even with these proclivities, the film successfully works within its own logic, and it makes the implausible rather palpable, which is a feature of any great science fiction film.

And I have to show my true colours here- I've always been a loyal Decepticon. All the Transformers I owned were Decepticons, save for one Autobot (Bumblebee, my favourite Autobot, who is paid excellent screen time in the film). I was quite peeved with the complete lack of development of the Decepticons, as we are given none of the internal power struggles of rank and file within the opposition. While the Autobots come off as well-rounded and complete characters, the Decepticons remain one dimensional and hollow. Hopefully we'll see more of them in the sequel (which there will be one).

Look- TRANSFORMERS is no BLADE RUNNER, but it is immensely enjoyable. Like GRINDHOUSE, it reminded me of why I love going to the movies. It is irreverent, pure escapist fun, and it brought back the feeling of playing with those marvelous little toys, transforming them over and over, reveling in the ingenuity and badass coolness of it all.

My only regret is the omission of the most useless Autobot of all time- Perceptor, the fucking microscope. Pretending like he was the brains of the operation. Bah. We all knew it was Huffer who was the boss.